Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
