Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
birth control should be required to get into college
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
