I've blown a few things in my day
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He passed out mid-signature
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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