I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
