I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's always time for handjobs
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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