Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
