I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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