Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
