So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
