I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
