i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
