She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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