you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
this is an emotional support booty call
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
