The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
