it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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