I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
