Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
