its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
