I just threw up on my dentist
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
