I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
