My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
what day is it and did you see me today?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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