So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
