maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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