Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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