The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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