I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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