Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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