i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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