Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
