They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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