i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
