Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
