I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
