Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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