We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
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i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
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My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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