Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I need to calm my uterus...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
