This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
