I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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