I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
