my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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