I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
