I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
