Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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