im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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