I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
