hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
