I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
