I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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