does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
