the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
