My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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