It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
