I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
