So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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