my soul wont recognize me after tonight
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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