she woke up with a sticky ear
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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