I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
