that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
operation harelip BJ is a go
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
