I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
