Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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