Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
