: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
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you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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